


One Drink Too Many

by muldy



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Love, Love Triangles, Post-Endgame, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 21:58:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11261814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muldy/pseuds/muldy
Summary: "She felt her heart breaking as if it was happening in slow motion. Her mind started screaming ‘No no no’ and her body refused to move. The tears weren’t something that could be fought and she almost clutched her chest to stop the pain."Post-Endgame angst.





	One Drink Too Many

**Author's Note:**

> I know the books have Chakotay and Seven breaking up rather quickly, but here's a little 'What if things had happened differently' situation.

i.

She watched them across the room, acutely aware that her Starfleet dress uniform did very little for her next to Seven’s ball gown.

Not that Seven ever dressed particularly discreetly, but now she looked elegant as well.

She didn’t want to hate her, but seeing them standing close together, laughing, it made her uncomfortable.

This wasn’t how she’d imagined their homecoming.

She turned back to the bartender and signalled that she wanted a refill.

Suddenly the room seemed entirely too small and the claustrophobia began to set in. She needed to escape.

Grabbing her drink she headed for the door, making her way out to the balcony. The night was cold, fog setting in over the bay. The view instantly calmed her down.

This was ridiculous. Not that she needed to have a man in her life, but there were plenty of men on Earth, even more in the Alpha Quadrant as a whole.

And none of them were him.

She felt her heart sinking into her stomach. She hadn’t had time to think about it since the Admiral’s casual mention of their marriage. She had wanted to ask so many more questions – how? Why? When?

At least now she knew the when.

How and why were still mysteries to her, but she could guess.

‘It’s not much of a celebration if the ship’s Captain isn’t present.’

The words were spoken quietly but she didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. He had clearly seen her leave and taken the opportunity to excuse himself.

They hadn’t spoken since their return to Earth 48 hours earlier, it had been a whirlwind of press and debriefs and doctor’s appointments.

She turned to him.

Now there was someone who looked good in a Starfleet dress uniform.

She smiled sadly.

‘Somehow it doesn’t quite feel like home anymore, does it?’ she decided to keep the conversation vague.

It was safer that way.

‘It was never my home,’ he replied. ‘But Voyager always will be.’

She could see in his eyes that he wanted to say something, maybe a few things, but instead they fell silent, watching each other, both waiting for the other to speak.

She had to know, she couldn’t just let it hang there between them forever.

It was better to get to the point.

Right?

‘How long have you been seeing Seven?’

He looked at her, surprised. Then he laughed to himself, looking away.

‘I should’ve known better than to think I could hide that from you,’ he said quietly, his eyes slowly making their way back to her.

When they locked onto each other she saw it all, this was her fault, she had pushed him away until he had given up hope and now it was too late.

He’d moved on.

She could feel the tears fighting to escape but she pushed them away.

This was a public place and she was a Starfleet Captain.

‘You haven’t made much effort to hide it.’

She hadn’t meant for it to come out so harsh, but the words rang through the night like they were echoing through the mountains. The slight amusement in his face faded away completely as he understood the gravity of the conversation they were having.

‘I didn’t think you’d care,’ he responded.

She didn’t reply. Anything she said would tell him too much and she couldn’t do that, not to Seven. So she said nothing.

What felt like ten minutes later, but was more likely ten seconds, a loud and very drunk Tom Paris stumbled into their conversation, completely oblivious to the tension in the air.

 ‘Guys, I’m a father. Can you believe that? A father,’ he laughed and held his glass up. ‘And thanks to you I get to do that on Earth. Thank you.’

‘Any time, Lieutenant,’ she replied.

But her eyes were still on Chakotay.

 

ii.

She hadn’t really expected him to turn up, the message had been intended more of a ‘I’m thinking of you’ than a ‘come rescue me’, but reading it back once she was sober she realised how he could have misunderstood that.

He walked her back from the bar, mostly in silence. He’d muttered something about how fresh Earth air would help her sober up.

It only struck her once they got to her building that he seemed to know exactly where she lived, despite the fact that in six months of being back on Earth he hadn’t visited her once.

As they entered her apartment he hesitated at the doorway.

She wanted to make a snide remark about how if she had wanted to seduce him in the privacy of her quarters she had had ample opportunity previously, but the less inebriated part of her mind kicked in and told her not to.

Because she had wanted to seduce him at every one of those moments, and hadn’t allowed herself to.

Her face must have fallen because he took a step towards her.

‘Kathryn, is everything okay?’ he asked carefully.

He reached out, brushing a hand against her face as he pushed her hair away from her eyes, trying to read her thoughts.

‘Why Commander? Don’t I seem fine to you?’ she responded.

‘You’re drunk at 9pm on a Tuesday, it doesn’t seem much like you. I’m worried.’

He let his hand drop to her arm and stroke it lightly as she stood very still, trying desperately to keep her balance, knowing if she didn’t that she would fall and he was going to catch her and things were going to get awkward.

‘Why are you here with me instead of at home with Seven, Chakotay?’ she whispered.

She saw a flash of something, concern maybe, cross his eyes before he shut his emotions away. The gates came down and he took a step back.

‘Because you messaged me,’ he replied calmly. ‘And I was concerned about you.’

‘Why?’

He hesitated again, searching her eyes, trying to understand what she wanted from him.

‘And here you are, still asking me questions that you don’t want the answer to,’ he responded.

Now it was her turn to be confused. If she didn’t want the answer she would never have asked.

‘Asking questions you don’t want to answer and ones I don’t want the answer to aren’t the same thing,’ she replied, crossing her arms, defensive.

He hesitated and she realised that she probably wasn’t making much sense. She let out a sigh, then looked up at him.

‘I need to know that you’ll always be there for me, despite your relationship with Seven,’ she said quietly.

He stepped forward again, smiling sadly. ‘Kathryn, things can’t be like they were before.’

She felt her heart breaking as if it was happening in slow motion. Her mind started screaming ‘No no no’ and her body refused to move. The tears weren’t something that could be fought and she almost clutched her chest to stop the pain.

‘I understand,’ she nodded, turning away from him and walking slowly towards her room. ‘You’re dismissed.’

‘You can’t dismiss me, you’re not my Captain anymore,’ he responded.

‘That’s the worst part,’ she whispered, stopping in the doorway of her room to look back at him, tears clear in her eyes.

She knew he was about to say something else, so she disappeared into her room.

She needed to be alone now.

 

iii.

It was him who was drunk the next time he showed up at her place. She had a pile of work to finish but she let him in anyway.

He took two steps into the apartment and stopped.

‘I’m going to propose,’ he said quietly.

She froze.

What was she meant to say to that?

He turned to face her, almost falling over as he did so.

‘Okay,’ she replied.

It was all she had. Was she meant to congratulate him? Beg him not to? No. Neither option seemed like a good one at that moment.

‘Okay?’ he replied, anger crossing his face.

‘Well what do you expect me to say?’ she shot back, mimicking his tone.

‘Kathryn, I want you to ask me not to marry her.’

She shook her head slowly. ‘Chakotay, go home. You’re drunk and this conversation is a bad idea.’

‘Why? Because you might have to admit you have emotions to me?’

She looked at him in disbelief.

‘Chakotay, I have never hidden the fact I have emotions from you. From everyone else perhaps, but not from you.’

‘Except when it comes to us,’ he took a step forward.

She stood her ground.

‘There is no us.’

‘There could have been.’

‘Yes. There could have,’ she replied. ‘But you chose her.’

‘That’s bullshit. By the time I started anything with Seven you had made it very clear that there was no other option,’ he was raising her voice loud enough she was concerned the neighbour would hear it.

‘What do you want me to say? That you broke my heart the last time I saw you? That I sit here every night thinking about how you’re happily having dinner with her, that you don’t even have the time to be my friend anymore? That you chose my only other real friend on Voyager to start dating, leaving me completely alone?’

She took a few steps towards him and suddenly she seemed like the larger of the two.

‘Is that what you want me to say Chakotay? Because there. I’ve said it. Now please leave.’

His eyes travelled to her lips before returning to her eyes. She wanted to chastise him for it but at the same time she wanted him to make the bad decision, because then the decision was his and she didn’t have to be the one who felt bad about it.

‘Tell me not to marry her and I won’t,’ he said, the anger fading and sad hope taking over.

‘That’s not my decision to make,’ she crossed her arms. ‘But if you don’t want to marry her, don’t ask her to marry you.’

For a few moments they stood, staring into each other’s eyes, a mixture of anger and desperation holding them there.

And then he was gone, without even a goodbye.

She took a deep breath and sank to the floor.

 

iv.

She hadn’t meant to do it, she had meant to wish him the best of luck. The fact she was anywhere near the wedding surprised her, but there was no chance she was going to go in and watch the ceremony.

She couldn’t stand the idea of not being there for him in some way.

But things hadn’t quite gone to plan.

The bottle of champagne she had on her way there probably hadn’t helped.

‘Don’t marry her,’ she blurted out.

His eyes shot up to meet hers, panic in his face, but he didn’t say a word, he was completely speechless.

She watched him, dressed up, looking the best he ever had and suddenly all she could see was her walking down the aisle towards him and she couldn’t let that go.

This was meant to be her fantasy, not her nightmare.

Harry Kim was whistling as he bounced into the room and stopped dead in his tracks as he saw them standing in silence, his whistling coming to an abrupt halt.

‘Captain,’ he greeted her.

‘It’s Admiral now,’ she responded, not letting go of Chakotay’s gaze.

‘What are you doing here?’ Harry asked, trying to keep his tone cheerful, but clearly knowing something was wrong..

She searched Chakotay’s eyes for a few moments, and unable to read them she turned to Harry.

‘I was leaving,’ she smiled. ‘Enjoy the day.’

Her smile faded into tears as she ran from the room, down the hall, stopping only when she was out of sight of the dressing rooms. She didn’t notice Seven watching her until she was wiping the tears away frantically, trying to compose herself.

She froze as their eyes met.

She could see the other woman calculating the situation in the way that she did, slow shock crossing her face.

‘Kathryn, wait!’

Chakotay appeared behind her, halting as he also saw Seven.

There were literally no words that were going to save this situation. The three of them remained there in complete silence until Seven turned and ran back down the corridor she had emerged from.

Chakotay hesitated, glancing at Janeway.

‘Go after her,’ she whispered.

And he did.

 

v. 

‘Admiral?’

She looked up to see Tom Paris. Embarrassment suddenly washed over her. She knew how pathetic she looked, sitting at a bar, staring down at a burger she had no intention of eating.

She had tried to find the bar in San Francisco she was least likely to be found in.

Not knowing quite what to say, she forced a smile.

‘Tom,’ she could hear the crack in her voice. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I followed you here,’ he said simply, signalling to the bartender that he’d like a drink.

Oh.

She suddenly felt like she knew why he was there.

‘He sent you, didn’t he?’ she asked quietly.

Tom didn’t respond for a moment, and she could feel his eyes watching her. She hated that he was there, she didn’t want him, or anyone else, to see her like this.

‘Yes,’ he finally said. ‘He didn’t say why but I think I have a pretty good idea.’

‘And did they…?’

She couldn’t bring herself to say the words ‘get married’, but she was sure Tom would understand. The instant the words came out of her mouth she regretted asking them, she only wanted to hear the answer if the answer was ‘no’, but she knew it wouldn’t be. If the answer was no then he wouldn’t have sent Tom after her.

‘Yes,’ he said simply.

The tears started flowing, and no matter how hard she tried to push them away, to hold them in, she couldn’t, and she watched as the drops of water fell onto her untouched food.

She felt Tom’s arms around her a moment later, comforting yet unfamiliar. She almost would have preferred him not hugging her, but the gesture was nice and she couldn’t be mad at him for that.

The sorrow quickly turned to anger, aimed at herself. This was her fault, she didn’t have anyone but herself to blame, so crying over it was redundant.

Why couldn’t she just make it stop?

‘So I guess you’re not planning to eat the burger then?’ Tom joked.

Even through the cheers she managed to laugh a little. ‘Why? Do you want it?’

‘I don’t know, looks a little soggy,’ he replied.

Pulling away from the hug his face turned serious.

‘Let me get you home,’ he said.

She didn’t really want to be at home but staying here wasn’t such a great option either.

‘Or…’ he seemed to observe her hesitation. ‘You can come and stay with us for the night. Miral might wake you up at some odd hour, but at least you wouldn’t be alone.’

‘Yeah, that sounds good,’ she stood up, letting him help her.

B’Elanna seemed surprised to see her when they entered their home, but she was welcoming, as always. The two of them unsubtly went to the kitchen, she assumed so that Tom could get B’Elanna up to date on the situation.

She sat alone in their living area for a moment, the realisation that these people were now the ones she considered her family setting in.

It was B’Elanna who came back a few minutes later, a cup of black coffee in hand.

‘I thought you could use this,’ she handed it over.

Kathryn smiled. ‘I could always use a coffee.’

B’Elanna took the seat opposite her, watching her intently for a moment, studying the situation.

‘I knew you two were close but I didn’t realise you were in love with him,’ B’Elanna spoke quietly.

It was a question but she wasn’t entirely sure how she was meant to respond. It seemed inappropriate, but then B’Elanna wasn’t directly under her command anymore.

And she had never discuss her feelings with anyone.

Now felt like as good a time as ever. 

‘Yeah,’ she said after a moment’s consideration. ‘Neither did I until it was too late.’

 

vi.

It came months later, out of the blue. They had barely spoken a word to each other since his wedding, so when she arrived home to find him sitting outside her building she was more than a little surprised.

‘Chakotay?’

She had to ask, she almost wasn’t sure it was him.

He looked up at her, almost as though dragging his eyes away from the ground was the hardest thing he had ever done. The look she saw in them when they met hers felt a little like a knife to the chest. His eyes were dark, hurt, angry.

‘Admiral,’ he replied.

The slight slur in his voice tipped her off to the drinking he had done before showing up there.

‘Are you here for a reason?’ she asked curtly. ‘Or did you just decide to come here because you were drunk?’

‘Why did you show up at my wedding?’

She didn’t have an answer to that question, not an appropriate one. She had had weeks to tell him how she felt, actually, she had had years. But she had waited until the last moment and she wasn’t sure why she had thought that was the right way to go about things.

Looking at him now, angry and hurt, she knew it had been a mistake.

She would take it back if she could.

‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.’

‘No, you shouldn’t,’ he snapped back.

Finally he stood up to stand over her, in some kind of attempt to make sure he had the power in the situation.

He didn’t need to do that.

She was already feeling particularly small.

‘Do you know what things have been like with Seven since our wedding?’ he asked, taking a step forward. ‘She doesn’t trust me at all, and with good reason. Everything between us is strained all the time and I don’t know how to undo a mistake that wasn’t even mine.’

‘Perhaps if this was going to be such an issue you shouldn’t have married her in the first place,’ she snapped.

She wasn’t going to let him blame her for _all_ their marital issues. Sure, she probably had a part in it, but it wasn’t her fault.

He didn’t say anything, but slowly sank back down into the seat he had made for himself on the staircase. To her surprised he started sobbing, not just a little bit, but head between his knees, shaking and crying.

‘Chakotay…’ she whispered, taking a seat next to him.

She reached out to put an arm around him, to comfort him, but he threw it off, looking up at her.

The anger was gone, and she could see the heartbreak in his eyes.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.

‘Everything,’ he responded. ‘This wasn’t how things were meant to turn out. I can’t even move on from you without you ruining that too. You’ve trapped me in some kind of fucking spiderweb and I can’t get out, no matter how hard I try. How do I get over you?’

She wanted to tell him not to, that if it wasn’t working with Seven to leave her and they could be together. But she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t open her mouth and beg him to choose her. It wasn’t right or fair. Not to him and not to Seven.

She had had her chance and she didn’t take it, she couldn’t ask for that back now. Not again.

‘Kathryn, please say something,’ he continued.

‘Go home to your wife, Chakotay,’ just saying the words hurt her. ‘Tell her that you love her, make sure she knows that you choose her, not me. Then everything will be fine.’

‘The problem is she knows I love you.’

He didn’t look at her as he said it, his eyes were focused in the distance. Her eyes were focused on him, watching his glistening eyes, his clenched jaw, wondering if she had somehow managed to break the unbreakable man.

 _I love you too,_ her mind screamed. She wanted to say it with all her being, but she couldn’t do that to Seven, to the woman she had once considered a friend.

Not wanting to leave him completely hanging, she reached out and took his hand, squeezing it lightly.

He looked at her as she did, and she realised that there were tears in her own eyes.

She wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding her feelings.

‘Kathryn,’ he whispered. ‘You’re the only person I have ever and can ever love. I can be with someone else but they’ll never be you. And I just need to know…’

‘I can’t,’ she spoke so quietly. ‘Chakotay, she’s my friend.’

‘And what am I?’ he replied.

‘You’re…’

She paused, watching him, studying his face. She didn’t even know how to explain to the man sitting in front of her what he meant to her.

‘You’re my everything,’ she whispered. ‘But you’re hers too, and you can’t have it both ways.’

He nodded slightly, something changing in his eyes, and he stood up.

‘Goodnight, Kathryn,’ he said.

She stood up as well, facing him. ‘Goodbye, Chakotay.’

And without warning he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. It was nothing, a simple friendly gesture many cultures on Earth had once used to say hello and goodbye. But it wasn’t something they did. His lips felt warm against her skin and she closed her eyes.

When she opened them he was gone.

 

vii.

‘Admiral?’

It took her a moment to place the voice, and when she did an entire seven years of memories flooded back all at once. It wasn’t that they hadn’t been in touch over the last few years, but she hadn’t actually seen him in person since that night on her steps.

She turned to find a slightly older, but still very good looking, Chakotay standing behind her, holding a drink, a broad smile on his face.

Had he always been that handsome?

‘Captain Chakotay,’ she smiled in return. ‘What a pleasant surprise! What brings you to Deep Space Nine? Or did you just feel like stopping in for a drink on your way to some grand adventure?’

She had definitely required a drink after her long day of negotiation mediation, and she could see from his face that he had had a similarly stressful day.

‘We were attacked by an unknown group of militants not far from here and had to dock for some repairs,’ he explained. ‘I felt like a stiff drink or two was in order.’

‘I hope you didn’t let them get away with damaging my ship,’ she responded.

‘ _Your_ ship? Last time I checked I was the Captain of Voyager,’ he laughed, then gestured to a nearby table. ‘Do you have time to spare for an old colleague?’

Actually she was meant to be going over her notes from that day, reviewing them for the next one, but she hadn’t been able to say no to spending time with Chakotay when she had all the time in the universe to spend with him, so she wasn’t sure how she was meant to say no to him when she hadn’t seen him for three years.

‘For you, always,’ she said more quietly, taking a seat.

He sat opposite her, placing his drink carefully on the table. Suddenly a kind of quiet discomfort spread between them, as though the situation was a little too familiar and a little too unknown at the same time.

‘It’s funny to run into you here,’ she cut through the silence.

‘Oh?’ he questioned.

‘Well this is where Voyager left from to come and rescue you,’ she teased. ‘It’s the last time I was here actually.’

‘That would’ve been ten years ago this week, correct?’

Of course he would remember the date, why wouldn’t he? He was always well aware of anything that had to do with her. That hurt, knowing that he never forgot, but was still able to let it all go.

She wanted to ask, how was Seven? How were things between them? But she couldn’t find a way to make the words come out of her mouth.

‘And how are you?’ he asked before she had the chance.

‘Busy,’ she responded. ‘Extremely busy, these negotiations have been a nightmare of epic proportions. I honestly thought my days of being a diplomat were over, but apparently no one but me would be able to handle this one.’

‘Dare I ask?’

She laughed. ‘I’d rather not discuss it, but I’m sure you can read about it in the system tomorrow.’

He laughed as well.

This was nice, comfortable.

Too comfortable.

She had missed his company, even if it was only as a friend. She knew they couldn’t have anything else, not now. She had lost that chance long ago, but maybe, just maybe they could be friends again.

‘I saw Tom and B’Elanna a few weeks back,’ she commented. ‘Tom said you’re stubborn and pigheaded and won’t listen to his advice at all. I get the feeling he preferred being pilot to First Officer.’

‘Perhaps that’s just a tendency of people who Captain Voyager,’ he replied. ‘I don’t remember you ever listening to my advice either.’

‘Maybe not,’ she responded. ‘But maybe I should have.’

She said the last part softer, not intentionally, but it had come out that way. His eyes snapped up to look at hers, trying to read them.

She glanced away, turning her attention to the other occupants of the room, still able to feel his watchful gaze on her.

‘And what advice do you wish you had followed?’ he asked carefully.

‘Don’t overwork, take some down time, look after yourself,’ she shot back quickly, smiling at him, covering her tracks.

‘Ah, yes, those,’ he responded.

They fell silent and it was his turn to pay extremely close attention to his drink as he took another sip. She watched him, watched his lips against the glass, remembering how they had felt against her cheek that night in San Francisco.

‘How’s Seven?’

There it was. The question she didn’t want to ask, that she knew he had been waiting for from the moment they sat down.

A knowing smile spread across his face before he looked back up at her. There was something in his eyes, a sadness of some kind, but she couldn’t quite figure it out.

‘She’s good,’ he replied. ‘She’s teaching at the Academy.’

‘I heard, although I’ve had a hard time imagining her teaching anyone with any patience,’ she smiled, her attention turning back to her drink.

Wow, how was it so empty?

Maybe she needed to go and get another one.

‘We’re getting a divorce,’ he said after a moment.

Her eyes snapped up to his. ‘Oh Chakotay, I’m sorry to hear that…’

He didn’t say anything for a minute, searching her eyes again, as though looking for the true meaning of her words. She wanted to tell him she was genuinely sorry, but at the same time she could feel the hope rising inside her.

‘I’m not,’ he sighed as he spoke, leaning back in his seat. ‘It’s been strained for a long time now, even before the wedding I wasn’t sure.’

She wasn’t sure what to say to that. That she had told him not to marry someone he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry, that she had asked him not to marry her, albeit a little too late, that perhaps he should never have tried to have a relationship with someone while he was in love with someone else.

Then she realised she was making a huge assumption to think that he might still be in love with her.

They hadn’t even seen each other in three years.

She reached out and touched his hand lightly.

‘There’s plenty of women out there who would kill for the opportunity to be with you,’ she said, trying to comfort him, but hearing the emptiness of her own words.

If someone had said the same to her she would have rolled her eyes and laughed.

Instead he pushed her hand up with his, wrapping his fingers through his so their palms were pressed against each other, then he looked at her.

‘There’s only one woman out there for me,’ he said quietly.

And suddenly she understood, he had come here on purpose. The surprise attack on Voyager wasn’t the entire reason they were docked at Deep Space Nine, after all they could have repaired the damage themselves. The Voyager crew had plenty of experience with that.

There was a loud beep from his PADD and he looked down.

His shoulders slumped and she understood. Duty was calling.

‘Go,’ she replied.

‘Dinner tomorrow night?’ he asked.

‘Sounds perfect.’

‘I’m staying aboard Voyager while I’m here, my quarters?’

‘I think you’ll find those are my quarters,’ she smiled as she replied.

He let go of her hand and was gone.

 

viii. 

She was genuinely nervous, and she hated herself for it. All day all she had been concentrating on was seeing him that night. Not that she hadn’t been doing her job 100%, well maybe 95%, but every moment she had spare to think about him she had been.

Was this really happening?

It didn’t feel real and she kept waiting for him to cancel.

But by 1900 she had heard nothing, changed outfits six times and made her way to Voyager.

Beaming aboard was strange enough, seeing an unfamiliar technician standing there besides him.

He was in uniform.

Damnit.

Should she have worn her uniform?

‘Welcome aboard, Captain,’ he smiled a knowing smile.

As they walked through the familiar corridor towards the Bridge she felt suddenly at home, as if all those years on Earth had never happened. Although Chakotay had more of an air of command about him, especially as they stepped onto the bridge.

It was empty, of course, given that the ship was under repair. She assumed most of the crew were enjoying themselves on the station, or having some down time in their quarters.

Slowly she made her way around to her old seat. She glanced at Chakotay, knowing full well this was his spot now.

‘Go ahead,’ he smiled, leaning against the wall next to her.

She took her seat, looking ahead.

She felt at home.

‘I miss it,’ she whispered.

‘I miss you,’ he responded instantly.

She looked up at him, wondering if somehow she had stepped into a fantasy dream that she was unable to wake up from. His dark eyes watched her and she could see in them all of the things that she was feeling herself.

He held a hand out to her and she took it, he pulled her up.

‘How about that dinner?’ he asked.

They walked in complete silence towards his quarters, the place she had once called her own. She wasn’t even sure she cared if someone saw them, but she was glad that they didn’t come across anyone.

She stepped into his quarters, the candelight and the smell of dinner, Antarian cider sitting on the table.

‘Where did you find that?’ she laughed.

‘I had one bottle left,’ he whispered close to her ear.

She heard the door shut behind them and her whole being came alive.

This was it.

And this was real.

‘Chakotay, it’s beautiful,’ she whispered.

‘This just used to be Thursday night,’ he replied casually, taking her hand and turning her around.

‘I always wanted it to be more,’ she admitted.

He reached out, lightly touching her face. For a moment she froze, suddenly afraid that this was all moving a little too fast.

But then he kissed her lightly and she didn’t care anymore. His lips were incredibly soft, and the kiss was loaded with so many emotions that she felt tears well up instantly.

He pulled back straight away.

‘Kathryn,’ he spoke quietly. ‘It’s been far too long.’

‘Yes,’ she agreed.

It was all she could manage, her breath had been completely removed from her lungs.

Taking her hand he led her to the table. Never in her life had she felt so out of control, unable to say any words, her limbs feeling weak and out of control.

How could he act like kissing her was so easy while she was falling apart?

He pulled out a seat for her and she sat down, almost disappointed to have to let go of his hand so he could sit in his seat.

They chatted casually as they ate. How was Tuvok? What had Harry Kim screwed up now? How were B’Elanna and Tom’s children?

Finally the conversation died between them, the food was gone and the cider bottle empty.

They fell silent, him watching her intently across the table, swirling the last of his cider in the glass.

As he took the final swig she knew the right thing to say.

‘Chakotay?’ she spoke softly and he looked at her, lowering his glass. ‘I love you too.’

His face softened, a huge smile spreading across his face. ‘I never thought I’d hear you say that.’

‘You must have thought it a little,’ she countered. ‘After all, you chased me for ten years.’

‘Don’t confuse my determination with confidence, Kathryn,’ he smiled.

And with that he didn’t wait another moment, standing up and pulling her to her feet, planting his lips against hers.

‘I think we’ve done enough waiting though, right?’ he asked.

‘I have never agreed more, Captain,’ she responded.

She woke hours later with his arm around her, a smile on his lips as he slept.

She leaned her forehead against his and closed her eyes again.

And in that moment she finally understood how much easier her life would have been had she given in to him years earlier. Her life in the Delta Quadrant could have been this, every night. Without judgement from the crew that had become her family.

She had been afraid.

‘Stop overthinking it,’ he whispered, not opening his eyes. ‘I can hear you thinking.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she replied.

He opened his eyes now and she did the same.

‘For what?’ he narrowed his eyes at her.

‘Pushing you away,’ she let her voice drop to a whisper. ‘I’ve loved you this whole time, but I was scared.’

‘It’s okay,’ he replied. ‘I know.’

And with a light kiss, he closed his eyes again, falling back to sleep as easily as he’d woken up.

She smiled and did the same.


End file.
